Places I Loved now I Fear
by Mari Grem
Summary: Prequel to My Playground. Remus' thoughts after LJ deaths and before Harry's thrid year. One-shot Songfic. Please rnr.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the song, that would be Dashboard Confessional's property.**

**A/N: Another oneshot. This is the prequel to My Playground, but either can stand alone. Please review-Cole**

* * *

Anyone ever to meet Remus Lupin would be instantly captivated by his charming smile and beautiful brownish-gray eyes, always sparkleing with delight. He would always be laughing and smiling about something or other, no pain or regret was evident on his face.

Remus had always been the smart one, the logical one. And yet he was always laughing, always having a good time. It seemed as if nothing bad ever happened to Remus, as if the cards were all in his favour.

Atleast, that is what one would think.

The truth was, Remus completely hid himslef behind a facade of happiness and laughter. Inside he was slowly dying, slowly slipping away. All of his friends were gone, even his girlfriend, his soulmate, had left him. He always seemed to be in such a happy mood, always laughing and smiling, but inside, he was screaming, crying, trying to rid himself of the incessant pain.

_Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself,  
and covered with a perfect shell,  
such a charming beautiful exterior.  
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes,  
perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by,  
but you're barely scraping by.  
_

And now Remus was staring at Lily and James' gravestones. It had been ten years since their death, Harry would be eleven now, he would be starting Hogwarts soon. Remus knelt down and placed a lily on Lily's gravestone, a lone tear slipped down his face. It was then, and only then, when Remus was face to face with thegravestones, that he truly could not pretend. It was then, only when he was reading the inscriptions on the graves, that he would break down and cry.

Remus would wonder how Harry was doing, how the Wizarding world was doing. Sure, he kept in touch with Dumbledore, he was not ready to cut himself off from that world completely, there was too many memories. Dumbledore had offered Remus a teaching job for the last five years, and Remus had refused immediatly after every offer. Hogwarts used to be the one place he could turn to whenever there was trouble. It had accepted him for his lycathropy, had been a safe haven from his parents' troubles, had brought him the only happiness he had ever known. Hogwarts was the only home Remus had ever known.

And now it was the one place Remus feared the most. The memories buried inside of its walls had kept Remus from it for the past ten years, he was afraid of the past, as much as he longed for it, the memories terrified him.

_  
This is one time, this is one time  
that you can't fake it hard enough to please  
everyone or anyone at all,or anyone at all.  
And the grave that you refuse to leave  
the refuge that you've built to flee  
the places you have come to fear the most.  
it's the place that you have come to fear the most  
_  
Remus was perfect. He was charming, sweet, handsome, and always there for those who were so much more fortunate than he.

But inside, he was empty. He felt the pains of lonliness as they increased tenfold as the years dragged on. HIs heart, his soul, were so well hidden that no one saw, no one would have ever believed that he was suffering so greatly. Everyday, he looked like embodied perfection, but at night he would cry himsle to sleep, at night, when the dreams entrapt him, he would scream and cry, longing helplessly for things that once were, for things that could have, should have, been.

_Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself,  
and hidden in the public eye.  
Such a stellar monument to loneliness.  
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes  
and perfect makeup but you're barely scraping by  
but you're barely scraping by  
_

And it was now, as he stood at the front gates of Hogwarts that he just couldn't take it. Why on earth had he taken this job? What had possesed him to come back here after all this time. Was it to protect Harry? Why would the boy want anything to do with him? Harry probably had no idea who he was.

But Remus had to protect Harry, he had to. He promised James before he died that he would watch over Harry, and now he would finally keep that promise.

Yet it hurt so much. Just standing at the gates, thinking of all the times he, Sirius, James, and Peter had passed through there, he wanted to kill someone, anyone, anything. He just, he needed a release. It was now, standing in front of Hogwarts, that he realized what he once considered home was now Hell. He realized that the place that once brought him so much comfort would now bring him so much pain.

_  
This is one time, this is one time  
that you can't fake it hard enough to please  
everyone or anyone at all, or anyone at all  
And the grave that you refuse to leave  
the refuge that you've built to flee  
the places that you've come to fear the most.  
it's the place that you have come to fear the most  
_

Remus gathered his Gryffindor courage and pushed through the gate. He walked the two miles up to the school and knocked on the door. He was let in by a house-elf and ushered to the headmaster's office.

"Remus," Dumbledore said, smiling, "I'm so glad you've finally come to join us."

"I...me too," Remus whispered. He looked around the room and remembered all the detentions, all the times he had been in this room as a teenager. Suddenly, he was eleven again, and crying on the floor of Dumbledore's office. Dumbledore comforted him the best he could.

Remus now knew that this was the one time he couldn't pretend. He now knew that he would finally have to deal with the pain.

And he also knew that Hogwarts would be full of painful memories, and a place he was treasured, ran too, would be the one place he would want to leave the most.

_And you cant fake it hard enough to please  
everyone or anyone at all, or anyone at all  
And the grave that you refuse to leave  
the refuge that you've built to flee  
the places that you've come to fear the most.  
its the place that you have come to fear the most,  
its the place that you have come to fear the most  
_


End file.
